I’m mentally preparing myself for the depression to hit hard once my sister and the girls leave tomorrow. I’ve been able to distract myself from the breakup since they’ve been in town, but it won’t be easy once they go. I don’t really know what to do. He said he misses me all the time—that broke me down. You miss me but not enough to stay I guess. I deserve so much better but I feel as though my fate lies in something much worse. It’s going to be a painful winter, that is for sure.
I was at the wedding, watching my cousin dance with her groom, so happily. I couldn’t help but think about you, and what an amazing life we could have made together. I imagined us on the dance floor, smiling and laughing—being so in love and happy. Then I remembered your words, how you never loved me, and it all came crashing down.
As much as I’d love to be an optimist and say this breakup will make me stronger, I can’t help but believe that no one will ever love me. No man will ever look over at me while I’m reading a book on the couch and think “god she’s amazing”. I used to catch W looking at me all the time, and I always used to wonder what he was thinking in those moments. Whatever it was, it was clearly not that.
I feel so stupid for loving you.
I think I’m so sad that I’m numb. I feel nothing.
You can love someone all you want, but if they don’t want to be loved you can’t force it.