Guilty Conscience

I haven’t felt the need to write in awhile. I guess I’ve just been busy with life. But that’s exactly what sparked me to write this. Today there are so many things going on in the world, particularly with my own ethnic background, that I’ve been struggling to deal with them all.

Today is the world cup final which should have (in a perfect world) had Brazil playing in it. I’m still sad about their horrible loss to Germany…not because of the game, (after all, it IS just a game) but because of what it meant to the Brazilian people and the country as a whole. Brazilians are going through a revolution…the kind of change that all 3rd world countries go through when transitioning to a 2nd world country. For the team to win, it would have given the country a renewed sense of unity. Alas, they played the worst game in history and lost horribly to Germany. The country was crushed and I was left crushed for them. I stayed away from all social media for days after that humiliating loss because I could not bare to see the images of fans and players crying with captions that read “humiliated at home”. Luckily, the Brazilian people do not like to be sad for very long, and even before the tears are dry they begin making jokes and wishes for the next cup.

Now, this doesn’t necessarily impact my everyday life. I mean I am Brazilian but I was born and raised in Chicago and continue to live my own life here, away from the games. Yet somehow I’ve caught myself in this meloncholy that I can’t quite explain. Should I even care? Does this even matter?

Of course, there are much bigger issues in the world than Brazil losing a game of soccer. Like, for example, the week of genocide that has been occurring in the Gaza strip by the Israeli soliders. I can’t even go on my Facebook without being bombarded by gruesome images of Palestinian children being held at gunpoint or dead bodies being held by grieving parents. I look at this and think how could anyone let this happen? How can the world just sit back and do nothing? How can anyone think this is ok?? I don’t have any of those answers and seeing pro-israeli posts makes me sick…so I’ve been staying away from it.

Once again, I closed by eyes and ignored the problem. I had a choice and I chose peace for myself. And I feel guilty as hell.

That’s why I decided to write today. I felt guilty. Am I allowed to choose peace when all these people, MY people, are suffering? Whether it be because of a humiliating loss or something more sinister, am I allowed to shut the door on my own blood in order to keep my mental health intact? Or should I suffer with them, looking at every heartbreaking photo and angering comment. It doesn’t seem right to live life in blissful ignorance…but that’s almost what I want. Dare I say, it’s what I need?

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I want

I just want someone who I get along with. Someone who I can share my secrets with and who won’t judge me for my mistakes. Someone who cares about me and shows me that he does. Someone who will love me unconditionally, through the good and the bad. I want someone who can be my lover and my best friend.

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"You’re the one"

Just all fucking lies. Fuck you, you fucking asshole. You’re nothing but selfish.

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The worst is when you feel so hurt and you know the other person could care less. It’s like a stab to the heart.

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"Why’d you break up?"
“He said he didn’t feel heartbroken”

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I’ve been listening to a lot of tswift lately because it’s the only thing that seems to make sense.

I had a particularly hard day today….I miss him :(

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